Our gym looks like anybody else’s, we’re a pretty typical place. A few treadmills, some cross-trainers, and so on. It’s not like it’s a difficult place to figure out.

But the stuff I see happen on the gym floor. Man. Wow. Un. Be. Lieve. Able.
(cirque de Bar-nay, as you might say.)

I was in the middle of giving this client a few tips the other day; mostly, we were working on abs, because aren’t we always working on abs? Short story, I was trying to find ways of helping a very pudgy client find a way to make himself have what they called on Conan (with Mila Kunis) a “two pack” – i.e., a very subtle line down the middle of one’s ab-type-section.

It would have been awesome if it had worked out according to plan.

Okay, though – getting back to the point. I had been working this client out, poking him between the quote “abs” unquote, and the poor thing had sweat literally dripping off the end of his nose as he tried to push his biceps together. It was cute because he was trying, but sad because he was…trying. What do you do with a client like that?
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It’s a mystical wonderland, really, this world of health and fitness. For those of us who really grasp the significance of being in-shape, we live in a universe where a protein bar is far more exciting than a candy bar and an hour at the gym is a perfect way to wind down. Doesn’t everyone?

So, we decide to take that plunge to try to help those less motivated. We all know that from time to time, we will be expected to work some miracle weight loss numbers out of three sessions of a few free weights and some medicine ball crunches. The client whose sweat smells exactly like the fried chicken and mashed potatoes they swear they did NOT have for dinner the night before- that one is unavoidable.
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I work in a place full of pumped up, testosterone-filled, sweaty men who somehow believe that they are God’s gift to women. But seriously, what woman wants to climb up on some funky-smelling dude or even throw the idiot her digits? The answer – none! But, this is not to say it does not happen EVERY day.

Most women are unreceptive and will not even meet eyes with the meat-head; very few will. Usually, they lower their head back into their workout and leave the idiot drooling over himself. And, it becomes even more hilarious when the guy actually thinks the women is interested and approaches her.

The below example has got to be the craziest, funniest incident I have seen at the gym – hands down!
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I was working as a personal trainer in China. I think I encountered more culture shock at each trip to the gym than I ever did just meandering the streets in daily life encounters. My story is not merely one event, but a series of events that day after day had me wondering just what exactly I’d gotten into.

It all started with a trip to the only bathroom, which happened to be a co-ed squatty potty before my session began. I detected the disgustingly familiar odor of cigarette smoke seeping under the door. When it was my turn to go in, my client walks out with a sheepish grin and reeking of smoke. The cigarette butt sat smoldering in the toilet and ashes were strewn across the floor. This is gonna be a fun cardio session!

Another day, as I’m waiting for my client to arrive, a girl who could have walked right out of a hip hop magazine in the eighties walks by, jewelry just a jangling.
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Ok, there is no shortage of beefcake tough guys in the gym these days. You know the pedigree and already have a photograph in your mind as you’re reading this – I know.

Picture a huge man sporting enormous biceps wearing spandex that look like he just bought them at the juniors department at Walmart – and not the boy junior section either!

He comes in walking like he could not clap his hands to save his life and his eyes are darting back and forth with a ‘don’t you see me’ sort of expression. He is already sweaty even though he hasn’t moved – these weirdos usually oil their freakishly large bodies down before they come in – freakin heroes I tell ya.

Most of these guys are so tough though – I mean seriously. Although there are some gyms that sound an alarm when a brute is being aggressive, not all catch these tough guys in the act. I think they like the way they look in the mirror when they are demeaning someone out on the gym floor – who knows.
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I guess I’m not what people would call a gym nut. After getting married, getting a real “grown up” job, and having kids, I also managed to gain a few pounds. I thought it would be a good idea to check out the neighborhood gym and get a trainer to get me moving in the right direction (hopefully one that pointed towards thinner).

I made my appointment and showed up in time wearing my new shoes, new shorts, and fancy shirt that either said clearly to everyone, “Yes, I am ready to work out” (or “It’s obvious I haven’t been here in a while”). I was ready.

My trainer arrived, a chiseled, amateur wrestler, who has been probably lifting weights longer than he’d been walking. It was awkward for a few minutes as we got to know each other, as it often is when two guys meet. We tried to break the ice as we moved to the stretching mats.

I noticed he carried a jug of liquid that seemed to be filled with some of that muscle building juice people are so keen to drink these days. I asked what it was and he explained it was for lean muscle mass and electrolytes, but it had side effects he didn’t care to mention. “Fair enough,” I thought, having just met the guy.

The side effects came to be pretty obvious quickly though.
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The economy sucks and everybody’s looking for a deal, right?

This includes my clients, and my friends’ clients, and basically every single person I’ve been trying to build business relationships with (and when you’re somebody’s personal trainer, it’s NEVER just a business relationship). And you know what?

The gyms are screwing us. I mean, check it out. We trainers do the work, we pull in the clients, we get them going, we help the poor bastards shed those pounds (and pounds, and pounds, and POUNDS) and the gyms give us a commission, then the next thing you know your client runs off (and bear in mind that their formerly-fat-behind is only running because of the work YOU did!) and joins another gym to take advantage of their joining offer!

This happened to a friend of mine, whose gym has monthly dues of about seventy bucks a month – she had a great relationship with her clients, they really liked her, blah blah blah, and then when they finished their one-year commitment to the gym, what happened? They saw a “no dues for three months” special at a competitor’s gym and ditched their membership – and my friend as their trainer!
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As personal trainers, we all have days where we just don’t know if what we are doing will “stick” with our clients and encourage them to lead a more healthful lifestyle. Try to figure this client out.

I once had a client who just couldn’t say no to sweets, sometimes showing up at the gym munching on a bag of M&M’s as she walked through the door. In addition to having little to no self-control, she would only work out one time per week, on Saturday afternoon.

I came up with a brilliant plan to help this poor soul out. I made a deal with her that she could satisfy her sweet tooth on two conditions: (1) she admit to what it was that threw her diet for a loop; and (2) she allow me to design a workout program that would burn enough calories to cancel out the offending sweet, while also helping her lose a little bit of weight in the process.

Happy to hear she was going to be able to eat her sweets and get some exercise benefits to boot, she gladly signed onto the deal. The next Saturday, she showed up, readily confessed to having eaten a jelly doughnut for breakfast, and waited patiently for her “punishment.”

Since this was her first test, I decided to go easy on her. I calculated the calories in the doughnut and determined that to counteract the calories consumed, she should do 30 minutes on the treadmill, and another 15 minutes of step aerobics to help her burn additional calories.

Once the woman completed her workout, I asked if she’d learned any lessons.
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